Over the course of their 20s, all girls almost definitely have been told \u201cyou need an older man\u201d at some point by a well-meaning friend or relative.<\/p>\n
As one self-described \u2018grandad botherer\u2019 aged 30, (let\u2019s call her Daisy) told me: \u201cDuring my twenties I just realized that older guys were classier and cooler about most stuff than men my own age\u201d.<\/p>\n
She added that, following extensive research in this area, she discovered that guys who were 40+ were also \u201cin general, better in bed, had their own place, made excellent breakfasts, were never a dick about it if you didn\u2019t want to see them again and don\u2019t mind when you get pissed and called them 15 times in a row at 4 AM. Often, they also had cool mid-century furniture in their flats as opposed to Ikea and would make you a martini if you booty called them after the pub\u201d.<\/p>\n
Daisy is now married; her husband is 23 years older than her.<\/p>\n
As dating apps take over and millennial men are becoming increasingly hard to pin down because they\u2019re all too busy nurturing their bromances anecdotally at least, it seems that older men who remember the world before Tinder are having their moment.<\/p>\n
We think we know why we\u2019re attracted to older men but is there more to it than we realize?<\/p>\n
Professor Madeleine Fugere is the author of \u201cThe Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships\u201d. She says that there is scientific evidence which suggests that this is both a psychological and evolutionary phenomenon and not just a cultural clich\u00e9.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe research in this area shows that not only are younger women attracted to older men, but older men are attracted to younger women, a convenient situation for heterosexual couples. This preference exists cross-culturally which suggests that it is nearly universal\u201d she explains.<\/p>\n
Professor Fugere points out that this phenomenon persists throughout our lives, as men age they prefer even younger partners while as women age they continue to prefer older partners until around the age of 70.<\/p>\n
\nIn evolutionary terms, Professor Fugere says that \u201cWomen consider an older partner being more mature and in a better position to provide stability\u201d.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
The maturity aspect certainly speaks to Daisy\u2019s situation: \u201cHe\u2019s really kind and right on and never a twat compared to some of my friend\u2019s partners, who are their own age\u201d.
\nIs this what attracted her to him in the first place? Yes, she says, \u201cI think that might have something to do with when he grew up \u2013 he remembers Thatcherism properly, and what it was like when New Labour came in, and he\u2019s never been exposed to 21st Century lad culture in any way, which I think is really nice\u201d.<\/p>\nSimilarly, Susan (not her real name) is 27 and currently about to move in with her 44-year-old boyfriend Shaun (yep, not his name either).<\/p>\n
She was, in part, drawn to him because, unlike men her own age, he \u201cDidn\u2019t behave as though he had endless options on Tinder and [she] was just another drop in the ocean.\u201d
\nSusan thinks there\u2019s definitely an issue with younger men today behaving badly because dating apps and bro culture endorse it.<\/p>\nInitially, Susan says, she resisted the idea of dating someone older than her because of the clich\u00e9 factor.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was so torn about this\u201d she says \u201cI still am sometimes. I fucking hate this. I hate the older men\/younger woman thing. I can\u2019t stand it\u2026 that recent thing with Brad Pitt being linked to Ella Purnell, who is 21 and looks exactly like a young Angelina Jolie made me furious\u201d.<\/p>\n
For younger women \u2013 it feels \u201cRefreshing\u201d<\/h2>\n
But, reservations aside, Susan fell for completely for Shaun. Why? \u201cHe\u2019s got it together and his age probably helps with that. He\u2019s got it sorted, he doesn\u2019t play any games. When he was \u2018wooing\u2019 me, he was quite straight up about it. He just said \u2018I fancy you do you wanna go for a drink or something\u2019, so I said \u2018yeah I fancy you as well\u2019 and then went for drinks. Then he was like \u2018what do you want to do because I know you are connected with another relationship.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m happy to wait for you, and if not that\u2019s fine.\u2019 There were just no games and there never is games with him. He never plays it cool just so that I think he\u2019s playing it cool. I can just not imagine ever getting a text from him and wondering how to respond to that.\u201d<\/p>\n
How does that feel? \u201cRefreshing\u201d she says simply.<\/p>\n
I ask Professor Fugere what she thinks of all of this? Is young women\u2019s attraction to older men nature, nurture or a combination of the two?<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is funny that you contacted me about this when you did. Last weekend I met some friends from college and I realized that we were all married to older men. Most of us had husbands about 10 to 15 older, but some of us had husbands that were even 25 years older. So, from a personal perspective, it is intriguing\u201d.<\/p>\n
Psychologically speaking, however, she says:<\/p>\n
\u201cThe majority of researchers do believe that the preference for older man can be linked to our fathers. Women are statistically more likely to marry men who resemble their fathers in hair color and eye color, and women with older parents may be more likely to marry older men.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n
There it is, all roads lead to dad. But is it a conscious or unconscious choice?
\n\u201cThis is definitely an unconscious preference\u201d says Professor Fugere, \u201cif women consciously realize that men resemble their fathers, they are less likely to find them attractive. However, based on the research I mentioned before, I believe that this preference is driven by both sexes\u2026 it just so happens that it is advantageous in terms of both sexes for younger women to be attracted to older men.\u201d<\/p>\nSusan reflects on this. \u201cMaybe what I needed was someone who was older to sort of look after me a bit\u201d she says, having met Shaun after several \u2018not great\u2019 relationships with guys her own age.<\/p>\n