(photo by Sarah Landolt)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\nDuring those three years I\u2019ve met a few other men my heart pulsed for. But each time when the moment arose, I always said no. This one was leaving the next day. That one just wanted sex. The other one was looking for a rebound.<\/p>\n
No matter how loudly my body screamed yes, I said no to protect myself from falling in love. I was afraid of getting hurt.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, I focused my attention away from having sex with men, and into finding love in myself. I had never chartered that territory, and it felt like a much safer place to start.<\/p>\n
Like a modern day monk with a heavy dose of naughty, I channeled my devotion into discovering the love I had tasted on the lips of my unrequited lovers in myself. It wasn\u2019t enough to like or accept myself, I wanted to fall in passionate sexual love with myself. I made my own healing, my own spirituality, and my own physical sensual human pleasure my greatest priority.<\/p>\n
In those three years\u2026<\/p>\n
I devoted myself to yoga, treated my body with conscious loving kindness, learned how to breathe and open my body to the sensation of love.<\/p>\n
I brought awareness and compassion to my patterns and let go of the beliefs that kept me stuck in unproductive cycles.<\/p>\n
I got over my fear of not being a \u201cgreat singer\u201d and opened up my voice. I sang my emotions in love songs at the top of my lungs and chanted prayers for global compassion.<\/p>\n
I reawakened my passion for dance, spinning in my underwear through the jungle, undulating my spine while riding my bicycle, and remembered that it\u2019s the easiest path for me to divine sexual bliss.<\/p>\n
I looked at myself naked in the mirror, told myself I was beautiful, and truly meant it.<\/p>\n
I stood naked in front of a group of practically strangers, men and women, and revealed my insecurities and all of my sexual shame.<\/p>\n
I held space for myself through a whole range of messy emotions with the tenderness of the one who loves me most.<\/p>\n
I became intimate with my own body, and allowed myself the pleasure that I had withheld in the hands of the men I couldn\u2019t trust with my surrender.<\/p>\n
I tapped into sacred femininity and began using my sexual energy to empower and inspire me to take my place in the world as a woman.<\/p>\n
I discovered the path of tantra, healed so much of my shame, and activated my energy to experience orgasms in my heart. Yes, literally, orgasms in my heart. And throat, and solar plexus, hell orgasms in all the chakras.<\/p>\n
I created my own art of lovemaking, seducing myself in the sweetest way I know how, and holding myself afterwards in the most sacred loving embrace.<\/p>\n
I became an absofuckinglutely amazing lover.<\/p>\n
And I don\u2019t think I would have taken that journey if I still had an endless supply of love drugs juicing my veins through the body of a really sexy man.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t think I would have learned how to make love to myself, if I was still preoccupied with loving someone else.<\/p>\n
I may have been celibate for the last three years, but I\u2019ve been having the best love affair of my life. I may not be having sex with men, but I\u2019ve never felt so sexual.<\/p>\n
Simply, what I\u2019ve learned in three years without sex, is how to love myself.<\/p>\n
Still, as beautiful as that is, and trust me it\u2019s really beautiful, I know it doesn\u2019t stop there. \u2018Cause I\u2019m not a monk, nor do I want to be. I don\u2019t want to spend the rest of my life enraptured in fantasy, monogamous with myself, only sharing my body with the silkiness of the sea.<\/p>\n
As delicious as that is, I want more.<\/p>\n
This love, this sweetness I\u2019ve cultivated wants to be shared.
\nAs scary as it is to share something that sacred, that\u2019s what the nectar is meant for.<\/p>\n
Which I realize means, when desire comes knocking, I\u2019ve got to be a little more willing to get messy. I\u2019ve got to be a little more willing to be vulnerable with my heart. I\u2019ve got to be a little more willing to crack open and bleed. I\u2019ve got to be a little more willing to get hurt.<\/p>\n
But until that day comes<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll keep singing and dancing and touching myself to ecstasy.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll keep breathing my heart wide open.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll keep falling in love with the world.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll keep learning how to love.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
ThisAmericanGirl four years decided to ditch the “American Dream” and create her own instead. Since then She’s lived with her home on her back in over twenty countries, becoming a certified yoga teacher, and discovered the true meaning of happiness. Follow her journery!<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"From ThisAmericangirl.com – The last time I had sex was three months shy of three years ago. I was in Bali, in a thatched roof […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":11882,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[161],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11881"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=11881"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11881\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":11886,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11881\/revisions\/11886"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/11882"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=11881"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=11881"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/costaricasex.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=11881"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}